Relationships – Random Thoughts Of A Nigerian Youth

July 4, 2017

Stop Avoiding Hurt by Chukwukadibia Ude

Everyone is a builder but what people build differentiates them. Relationships prove that every human being builds either a prison, wall or bridge.
A lot of people open their minds to the hurt stories around them and as such refuse to give themselves the gift of experience. I hear people in this category say things like: ‘men are horrible’, ‘women are dangerous’, ‘all men are the same’, ‘all women are the same’. These people build prisons for themselves. From the prison, they look out and assume a lot. Most times, they have a tunnel view about life and all they think about is what people will do for them. Such people are blame masters and can be referred to as ‘closed’ people.
The second category is made up of men and women who have come out of their shells or prisons but are still living in the world of too much expectation. Relating with this people is okay but once you make a mistake that hurt them, you may end up losing them for life because little hurts to them mark the end of the relationship. Immediately, they build walls to shield themselves from you. These people regret being open and return to closeness. They are referred to as ‘open to those that like me’ people.

The last category has a few men and women who give themselves to the practice of forgiveness. They open their hearts and build bridges . They have tasted both closeness and openness. They choose to know how to become better after being hurt rather than building walls. People hurt them, but they remember that they hurt others too.Their openness show them how weak they are and their closeness remind them of the need to open their doors for people to come in. Their take is not to build prisons for themselves because that would be like starting all over again. Their resolve is not to build walls for some certain people and see them at some point from afar. They choose the bridge because that’s the only way to show that the heart accepts other hearts. To them, openness is an exercise. They are referred to as ‘open’ people

There are varieties of people that share a mix of these three categories but the point is on how they understand the hurts in the world. Avoiding hurts should not be your aim. You will judge people forever.

Learn to be the one who aims to give the best love and you will grow through the mistakes you never dreamed you could make. Remember, when you say ‘people are deceitful or horrible or dangerous’, you may have counted yourself in the number.

Closeness and openness are tools available for you, don’t see them as destinations. Openness is what gives you experience. Closeness helps you think of better ways to improve.

When you are open, you open doors for yourself. Instead of saying that openness is bad, think of better ways to become open. Do the same with Closeness.

Hurts are big heaters. They give you pains that release your weaknesses. This also applies when you hurt people. Asking for forgiveness helps you release the pains of pride.

Relate with people and throw away your pains. All you need is the guidance of Intelligent Love that does not err.

Into me, into you.

Chukwukadibia Ude.

June 17, 2017June 24, 2017

Spoil Yourself with Consistency

A friend of mine has been wooing this particular girl, on and off, for some years now. They started out as friends with nothing attached but along the line, as it often happens in this kind of scenario, one party fell for the other.

The girl remains unsure of the guy’s intentions even though the guy had made his feelings known to the girl. She cited his inconsistency as a major reason behind her confusion.

Just like the girl, every human yearns for consistency in his/her relationships. Relationships don’t develop overnight; they take time. It takes consistency. We like to see others make a consistent effort to be in our lives. This makes us feel wanted and happy.

So why don’t we apply the same principle to everything we do? After all, consistency is not exclusive to relationships; it is the key to everything. It is the mother of mastery. Consistency creates integrity and integrity breeds trust hence it makes you relevant, accountable and reputable.

Throughout my life, I have struggled with consistency in certain areas of my life and daily routines. For example, I started this blog a few years ago, to write atleast 3/4 articles a week but there have been many times that I have gone months without writing. Often times, I blame it on writer’s block or busy schedule but I don’t want to give excuses anymore so I am tasking myself with atleast one article a week. From one, I can go to two and then 3-4 just as it was when I started off.

According to Aristotle, “we are what we repeatedly do.” Our daily routine goes a long way in determining the trajectory of our lives. To achieve “elephant-sized” dreams, you have to take it a step at a time and do it over and over again. Consistency makes our routine which seems tedious at the beginning a subconscious one.

For instance, exercising is tedious for many but if you choose a workout routine that works for you and repeat it everyday (even if it is for 5-10minutes), the results will shock you to the point that you may not be able to stop. This is because we do things over and over again until it becomes who we are hence the reason why repetition trumps intensity.

The 21/90 rule states that it takes about 21days to create a habit whilst takes 90days to create a lifestyle. However to become a master in a particular area, one must dedicate atleast 10,000hours to that particular activity.

Consistency strengthens self-discipline and disciplined actions, when done consistently, lead to positive results. There’s a Chinese proverb that says that “no one who rises before dawn 360 days a year fails to make his family rich.” This is valid because our willpower is strongest in the morning but wanes as the day wears on. American writer Mark Twain famously said, “eat a live frog first thing in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.”

However, it must be said that whichever frog you feed your brain consistently, be it positive or negative, it will become a part of your lifestyle so focus on the things that will help you grow as an individual.

The brain is such a powerful tool that it creates a neural pathway for everything you feed it, be it thought or action. The more you repeatedly feed it the same thing, the stronger the neural pathway becomes and with time, the brain adopts the neural pathway you’ve practiced the most.

This is why it is a Herculean task to make a change in your life because the brain has gotten used to the neural pathways you’ve strengthened over time via repeated actions and thence will try to override the new neural pathways that will drive the desired change.

Often times, we get frustrated, give up and revert to our old ways but it is important to be gentle and patient with yourself. If you miss a day or two in your quest, don’t lose hope. Keep at it, spoil yourself with consistency and you will get the same end result that you seek.

What are you consistent in? What are you trying to be consistent in?

May 17, 2017

Life is All About Relationships

Last year was a huge lesson for me both personally and professionally. In my bid to create a better future for my unborn kids, I had to make a lot of round trips to different cities. Luckily, I was never lonely even for a day despite all these trips. I always had a friend whose family was willing to take me in and make me feel right at home. I also had to make phone calls to people in different time zones to get things done for me and they all delivered.

Then it hit me, life is all about relationships. Infact, relationship is the only important thing in life. Normally, whenever relationship is mentioned, many think about the partnership between two lovers but relationships is larger than that. It encompasses your relationship with your God (if you believe in any), lover/s (I heard some are inclined to polygamy so I had to factor that in), family, friends, customers, readership, co-workers, teachers etc.

Think about it, would you go into business with someone you don’t have a relationship with? Would you refer someone for a job if you haven’t built a relationship with the said person to vouch for his or her capabilities?

Naturally, human beings are tribal; we try to form a tribe with the people we like and are comfortable with. This is because biologically and psychologically, from childhood, we depend on others from survival and growth. According to psychologist Daniel Goleman, our brains are wired to connect whenever we engage with others.

As a result, relationships are an essential source of learning. Everyone has something to teach you; everyone has a lot to learn from you as well. It is through relationships that we get to understand our true self. Through series of interactions, ideas and connections, we develop into who we really are.

The quality of our relationships has a great influence on our perception of the world – bursting with curiosity, openness to new experience and ability to see the inter-relatedness of things around us. Without others pushing us to the limit or providing assistance in one way or another, our creative muscle atrophy and we lose our critical thinking hats.

Therefore, it is safe to say that a lot depends on how we handle our relationships with others. It determines how far we’d go in life. Nearly everything in life is made possible because of someone else, from the tools to the skills that make them useful.

The connections we form with others create options and opportunities that are hard to come by. If you take a trip down memory lane, you’d notice that some of the best opportunities you’ve had in life were somewhat created by those you had formed a relationship with.

No wonder Keith Ferrazzi described success in his book, Never Eat Alone, as the sum of the people you meet and what you create together. Ferrazzi believes success has nothing to do with class but about access, which some gain through birth or money.

I couldn’t agree more. Every career you can think of is about managing relationships. How well we manage these relationships determine how far we would go. A reference is only as good as the referee’s word and is dependent on the relationship between the refereee and the ‘refered’. We project and deal with people we know and trust hence every business deal or transaction is a human enterprise.

However to achieve this, one must be willing to give something in return. You can’t separate giving from a relationship. You can’t be a leech who has three daughters, all named “Give Me” and expect your relationships to be genuine. There must be some of form giving interms of time, attention, money, advice, a smile, a handshake or any other form of help. This way we make a lasting impact on others.

When you are consistently reliable, offer some reflective feedbacks, have an interesting conversations with others, genuinely help others or connect them with ideas or people that can help them achieve their goals, you are making a huge deposit into your social account. This is because people tend to help those who help them.

In the long run, social capital is the most valuable currency. It is worth more than money, education and/or credentials. Have you ever seen anyone who’s faced with death that thinks about money, success, career achievement or titles?

Make deposits into your social account everyday by building, maintaining and valuing the relationships you have with your God (if you believe in any), family, friends and others because at the end of the day, that’s all you have.

P.S. I am sincerely grateful for all the reliable people in my life and also hope that they find me reliable.

March 31, 2016

Are Men Intimidated By Smart Women?

Human sexuality has always been an interesting part of our existence. A person’s sexual orientation, which is heavily influenced by social norms and status quo, has an ample effect on their sexual interest/attraction for another person.

In recent times, it has become a norm to hear young Nigerian men and women declare their sexuality as sapiosexual – being attracted to or sexually aroused by intelligence and its use. However, when critically analysed, are we really sapiosexual?

According to a friend, most Nigerian men aren’t sapiosexual; they feel intimidated by smart women. This echoes the recent findings of researchers at the University of Buffalo, California Lutheran University, and the University of Texas at Austin which showed that men are sapiosexual in theory and usually lose interest in smart women after encountering them.

Interestingly, there is an iorta of truth in both opinions. I do like smart women, however, there’s much more going on than merely a meeting of the minds.

Naturally, intelligence often comes with a certain amount of arrogance, pride, autocracy and being opinionated. In this clime, some smart women exhibit sheer arrogance and a dire need to be an authority in the relationship. And this is what often scares Nigerian men away not the lady’s smartness.

Masculinity often comes with a big ego as well as social and hierarchial dominance. As a consequence, anything that puts men in danger of having their ego bruised or losing their territory makes them scamper and run for the hills.

This doesn’t mean that the man is weak or intimidated by a smart woman – even though in most cases it appears so. In dating, we are being evaluated on far more than our most attractive traits. And as aforementioned, there seems to be a strong correlation between our attractive traits and some unattractive traits.

For example, it is still an enigma why women turn down nice guys. American singer, Mary J Blige said in her song, Mr Wrong “Good guys ain’t no fun.” A female friend went further to succinctly explain it. She said good guys have a certain mentality – things should be easy for me because I’m good mentality. The same applies to smart women. Smart women have a similar type of mentality – I am a strong woman who is not scared of sharing my opinion. If you can’t handle this strong woman, you are weak.

Men do value intelligence as much as women value nice guys. Women want nice guys who exude masculine energy and scoof at the constant need for others’ approval whilst men do want an intelligent woman who gives them warmth, affection and peace of mind thus making their lives easier and more pleasant.

Human relationships require social and emotional intelligence, which are based on viewing people through the lens of their own social and emotional needs. Nevertheless, many people focus their attention inward instead of outward. As a result, they find it hard and painful to acknowledge that their strong traits are often accompanied by significant downsides. If you are smart, opinionated and domineering, don’t be surprised if some of your actions turn people off.

P.S. these things go both ways. Some ladies are too awed by a smart man’s intellect and demeanour that they lose interest. They want someone who completes them and sometimes a smart person lacks the qualities they seek in a partner.

February 8, 2016January 29, 2017

Be My Valentine

Welcome to the week of love. This week will climax with Valentine’s Day on Sunday. Valentine’s Day is a day set aside to make a special connection with someone special.

I had great hopes for my love life this year (I still do). Unfortunately, Valentine’s Day is around the corner and I still haven’t found anyone to be romantic and mushy with on that day.

Some years ago, I wrote about love being overrated. How ignorant of me! I take that back. Pardon me. By the time I wrote that, I had an odeshi for all the arrows Cupid flung at me. However, a lot of things have changed since then. I have seen myself fall for a girl that I barely even know. Sounds weird, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately, she is oblivious of my existence and I am just like a teenage dirtbag. Hello from the other side (wipes a tear). That draws me back to how my love life sucks more than Harvey Specter’s.

I am still one of those single people that those in relationships believe they are lonesome and miserable, and avoid like a plague. And also ask questions like how do you single people do it? Who do you talk to when you are sad? Who cuddles you? Who asks ‘have you eaten’ or did you have a nice day?

Dependency is a habit that’s very hard to curb so single people try to embrace independence and be their own person. You see sometimes being single is better than being in a relationship. Sighs who am I kidding?

Love and relationships are one of the mysteries of the world (Proverbs 30:18-19) so these things aren’t white and black as they seem. They say “best things happen when you are not looking” so can someone tell Cupid that I have closed my eyes and he’s free to shoot another arrow of love my way and fill me with uncontrollable desire.

Now that I have made peace with Cupid, I’m hoping he will come to my rescue and put in a word for me with Aphrodite or Venus to send me a beautiful damsel (nke ukwu ya nwere nti) to be my valentine. Make I follow other people talk bae; my sex appeal de waste abeg!

Beautiful damsel with hips (ukwu nwere nti)

Cupid please remember to let the prospective valentine know that I don’t want singlet and boxers as gifts this year. And oh, if you can’t find me a valentine, could you find someone to deposit some money into my account atleast.

How are you celebrating your own valentine? Do you have a valentine or are you still hoping to find one? Please share your plans in the comment section.