relationship – Random Thoughts Of A Nigerian Youth

July 4, 2017

Stop Avoiding Hurt by Chukwukadibia Ude

Everyone is a builder but what people build differentiates them. Relationships prove that every human being builds either a prison, wall or bridge.
A lot of people open their minds to the hurt stories around them and as such refuse to give themselves the gift of experience. I hear people in this category say things like: ‘men are horrible’, ‘women are dangerous’, ‘all men are the same’, ‘all women are the same’. These people build prisons for themselves. From the prison, they look out and assume a lot. Most times, they have a tunnel view about life and all they think about is what people will do for them. Such people are blame masters and can be referred to as ‘closed’ people.
The second category is made up of men and women who have come out of their shells or prisons but are still living in the world of too much expectation. Relating with this people is okay but once you make a mistake that hurt them, you may end up losing them for life because little hurts to them mark the end of the relationship. Immediately, they build walls to shield themselves from you. These people regret being open and return to closeness. They are referred to as ‘open to those that like me’ people.

The last category has a few men and women who give themselves to the practice of forgiveness. They open their hearts and build bridges . They have tasted both closeness and openness. They choose to know how to become better after being hurt rather than building walls. People hurt them, but they remember that they hurt others too.Their openness show them how weak they are and their closeness remind them of the need to open their doors for people to come in. Their take is not to build prisons for themselves because that would be like starting all over again. Their resolve is not to build walls for some certain people and see them at some point from afar. They choose the bridge because that’s the only way to show that the heart accepts other hearts. To them, openness is an exercise. They are referred to as ‘open’ people

There are varieties of people that share a mix of these three categories but the point is on how they understand the hurts in the world. Avoiding hurts should not be your aim. You will judge people forever.

Learn to be the one who aims to give the best love and you will grow through the mistakes you never dreamed you could make. Remember, when you say ‘people are deceitful or horrible or dangerous’, you may have counted yourself in the number.

Closeness and openness are tools available for you, don’t see them as destinations. Openness is what gives you experience. Closeness helps you think of better ways to improve.

When you are open, you open doors for yourself. Instead of saying that openness is bad, think of better ways to become open. Do the same with Closeness.

Hurts are big heaters. They give you pains that release your weaknesses. This also applies when you hurt people. Asking for forgiveness helps you release the pains of pride.

Relate with people and throw away your pains. All you need is the guidance of Intelligent Love that does not err.

Into me, into you.

Chukwukadibia Ude.

June 26, 2017July 18, 2018

Tags and Labels: A Social Barrier

“Labels are for fillings. Labels are for clothings. Labels are not for people.” – Martina Navratilova

Back in 1990s/early 2000s Nigeria, every parent wanted his/her child to go to a Unity School as they were the leading secondary educational institutions in the country. The name ‘Unity Schools’ was coined by the Federal Government of Nigeria, and comprised of a number of colleges spread across the nation, which were used to promote national unity via the admission of “intelligent” students from all parts of the country and all ethnic groups. Little wonder the motto of these schools is Pro Unitate.

I was opportune to attend a Unity School, Federal Government College Enugu (in Fedi lol), to be precise. It was an eye-opening experience. You have people from all walks of life, background, ethnicity, religion, culture all mixed up in one place.

Ironically, this was the first place I learnt about labels and tags, and the effects they could have on both “the tagger” and “the tagged.” It was a typical high school, with so many people forming cliques, which differentiated the cool from the uncool, the smart (nerds) from the dullards, the boarders (gnashites) from the day students (day goats), ‘guy men’ from the ‘Jew men’, the rich from the poor etc.

Last year, I met some folks I went to secondary school with and they all addressed me as a “bookworm.” One even told me, “I’m surprised you drink.”

I couldn’t help but laugh as that’s the worst way to describe me. Although I did well in school, I can’t remember ever sitting in front of the class nor count the number of times I was disciplined by the teacher because I was a perpetual noise maker. I seldom paid attention but I get it, I did well so the bookworm tag fits perfectly.

Similarly, we place tags and labels on others in our minds the moment we meet them, based on different parameters, and most times, we are wrong. To be fair, labels and tags are all around. We are all labelled and tagged by either sex, race, ethnicity, religion, anatomy/physique, sexuality, socio-economic status, music we listen to, sports we play/sports team we support, clothes we wear or the job we have. Sometimes we don’t mean to label and tag others but we can’t help it; it just happens.

I wonder if labelling will ever stop. It has been used as a means of discrimination for thousands of years. It is like clothing people with what you want them to be whilst covering their real identities. However, human beings are complex and multi-dimensional.

I was taken aback when some folks asked if I was gay and gothic because they heard me play and sing rock hits and songs made by openly gay music artistes like Frank Ocean and Sam Smith. Even though, research has shown that music tells you a lot about someone’s personality, it is disputable. So I’m really curious, why can’t a straight man gladly enjoy good music made by gay musicians? Does being gay suddenly make their good music bad? I listen to and enjoy different genres of music, as far as it is good music. And for the record, Ocean’s Lost remains one of my best songs ever.

The problem with labelling others is that it limits the perceptions of the “the tagger” and “the tagged” about life creating a tunnel vision of some sort. When we tag and label others, we are overtaken by unintentional and unconcealed prejudice hence losing our ability to think objectively. It leads to segregation and as a result, we miss out on a lot of good things in life. We miss out on friendships, interesting conversations, business deals, good music, marriage/relationships, food, travel experience, family (via adoption), life-changing experiences etc.

Naturally, people cling to things and people that they are used to but I find that boring. Is it possible to change your perception about life if you stick so religiously to what you are used to? During my masters degree in the UK, there was a huge divide between the British and foreign students – it was as obvious as the midnight stars. And it did affect the budding understanding, friendship and relationship between both groups.

Labelling is a lifetime trigger. Once we have an encounter with another person, we tend to hold on to that memory for so many years until proven otherwise. As a consequence, a bad experience with someone can make us hate an entire race, religion, tribe or sex hence forgetting that we can also have similar experience with people from our own comfort zone.

There is no problem in using your past experiences to shield yourself from future hurt. No problem at all. However, it becomes a problem when you use your personal experience/standards to ill-advise and judge others. I mean your personal standards could be mere opinions or blatant assertions, not facts.

This is evident in our relationships and marriages. I had thought that what really matters is finding someone who is good for you, in every meaning of the word, regardless of his/her religion, race or ethnicity. Oh boy! How wrong was I?

Inter-racial, inter-ethnic, intra-ethnic and/or inter-religious relationships/marriages are still a “taboo” to many people across the globe. To even make matters worse, amongst Christians in Nigeria, there is still animosity towards members who marry Christians from other denominations. And most of the time, this segregation is heavily influenced by the church, parents/family and/or friends.

A person’s race, religion, sexuality, socio-economic status, calories, sex, tribe, nationality or intelligence does not define him/her. That black people like dancing does not mean all black people know how to dance (I mean, I don’t!). That white people can’t pronounce black names does not mean there is no white person who can.

Let go of tags and labels, and see people for who they really are. People are not their hairs, skins or your expectations. They are souls that live within.

What do you think of tags and labels? And how have they limited your views about others? Please share your thoughts in the comment section.

January 24, 2017January 24, 2017

Letter to Myself: Try To Make Peace With It

When people look down on you, it will definitely hurt but try to make peace with it. This doesn’t mean that you should be a doormat – that’s a sign of weakness but what people think of you matters little compared to what you think of yourself. Always remember, how you react when people insult you reveals a lot about you. Nobody can make you inferior without your consent so why give people this power over you? Fight your insecurities, build your self-esteem and develop yourself into an asset.

When you experience failure or rejection from friends, a potential partner or employer, it will definitely hurt but try to make peace with it. Don’t throw tantrums. Don’t let others control your emotions. Most times, failure/rejection comes with indelible lessons when critically analysed. These lessons often have the potential to propel you to greater heights in your personal relationships and/or chosen career.

When things aren’t going accordingly for you, many will desert you and it will definitely hurt but try to make peace with it. A friend once told me “We often think people have forgotten us. The moment you become successful, it will surprise you who has your digits.” so chase success. See this as a way to remove the chaff from the rice.

When friends and loved ones are always out to cheat you because you have a kind heart, it will definitely hurt but try to make peace with it. Just remember that every transaction is a true test of one’s integrity so see this as an eye-opener and never do business with them again. Our actions and attitude are a reflection of our innermost values, beliefs and expectations. Once beaten, twice shy.

When people hate you for no good reason, it will definitely hurt. Try and have an introspection to know if you really are the problem instead of getting mad. Anger sometimes means fear so always ask yourself what are you afraid of? If/when you are convinced you aren’t the problem, try to make peace with it. Smile and talk to them when you see them, it will make them uncomfortable thus giving you power over them.

When people gossip and bear false witness against you, it will definitely hurt but try to make peace with it. Everyone gossips but make a conscious effort not to pay much attention or gossip about others. Rather let them gossip about you. No one pays attention to those they feel are below him/her. We rather pay attention to those we think are on our level or above us.

When people mock your efforts at learning something new, don’t be discouraged rather make peace with it. Everyone starts off as a novice so your case isn’t different from others. Keep at it and practice everday till you achieve mastery in that area. There’s no skill you can not master, we just lack the zeal, focus and determination to see it through.

In all, try and have a realistic approach to life. Always look at every possible angle before you leap. Weigh both the positives and negatives but don’t be afraid to leap regardless.

P.S.

Everyone wears their hunger and haunt. We demonstrate our true values in our actions especially when we are under pressure so pay more attention to what people don’t say. Nevertheless, find atleast one good thing to say about others despite your differences with them. Also, always own up to your shit. Abhor the victim mentality. Don’t blame others for your woes because “no one finds themselves in circumstances. We create our own circumstances.” So before you blame others, check thy self. When you make mistakes, be on top of correcting those mistakes then try again and again and again.

February 8, 2016January 29, 2017

Be My Valentine

Welcome to the week of love. This week will climax with Valentine’s Day on Sunday. Valentine’s Day is a day set aside to make a special connection with someone special.

I had great hopes for my love life this year (I still do). Unfortunately, Valentine’s Day is around the corner and I still haven’t found anyone to be romantic and mushy with on that day.

Some years ago, I wrote about love being overrated. How ignorant of me! I take that back. Pardon me. By the time I wrote that, I had an odeshi for all the arrows Cupid flung at me. However, a lot of things have changed since then. I have seen myself fall for a girl that I barely even know. Sounds weird, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately, she is oblivious of my existence and I am just like a teenage dirtbag. Hello from the other side (wipes a tear). That draws me back to how my love life sucks more than Harvey Specter’s.

I am still one of those single people that those in relationships believe they are lonesome and miserable, and avoid like a plague. And also ask questions like how do you single people do it? Who do you talk to when you are sad? Who cuddles you? Who asks ‘have you eaten’ or did you have a nice day?

Dependency is a habit that’s very hard to curb so single people try to embrace independence and be their own person. You see sometimes being single is better than being in a relationship. Sighs who am I kidding?

Love and relationships are one of the mysteries of the world (Proverbs 30:18-19) so these things aren’t white and black as they seem. They say “best things happen when you are not looking” so can someone tell Cupid that I have closed my eyes and he’s free to shoot another arrow of love my way and fill me with uncontrollable desire.

Now that I have made peace with Cupid, I’m hoping he will come to my rescue and put in a word for me with Aphrodite or Venus to send me a beautiful damsel (nke ukwu ya nwere nti) to be my valentine. Make I follow other people talk bae; my sex appeal de waste abeg!

Beautiful damsel with hips (ukwu nwere nti)

Cupid please remember to let the prospective valentine know that I don’t want singlet and boxers as gifts this year. And oh, if you can’t find me a valentine, could you find someone to deposit some money into my account atleast.

How are you celebrating your own valentine? Do you have a valentine or are you still hoping to find one? Please share your plans in the comment section.

August 16, 2015September 13, 2015

Everybody Is An Option

A lady wrote on Twitter recently, “I am always a priority never an option.” Although this depicts confidence and self-respect, I found myself disagreeing with her.

It is a fact that no one wants to be treated as an option, everyone wants to be seen as a priority but this tweet threw me into a reverie of some sort. I kept asking myself, “aren’t we all options?”

After a long consultation with my number 6, I came to the conclusion that no matter how beautiful/handsome you are, how blessed you are, how much you have or what you think of yourself, everyone is in dire pursuit of happily-ever-after and thence an option to somebody. After all, there are billions of people in this world of ours and there’s always someone out there willing to take a chance on us.

Think about it; we always assume that there is “the one” reserved for us to love, learn and go deep with but how often do we end up disappointed? According to Zinga’s theory, there’s nothing like “the one” and we have mutiple “ones”. We run into these ones whether we are single or in a relationship.

Social media has helped bring a catalog of possible matches right to our fingertips. Tinder, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp, take your pick…people have met their ones on these sites.

We are then burdened with the choice of building a relationship with them or not. Consequently, many miss spending the rest of their lives with people they truly love due to one reason or the other so they fall back on their next option. Everybody is an option to somebody but the easisest way to be an option is to fear of being an option.

P.S. seeking love can be hard and tasking so please don’t misunderstand the point here. I am not asking you to make yourself vulnerable and lose your self-respect. We all know when someone is really into us. They do whatever it takes to be with us – make out time, cancel plans or offer an alternative but we go through trial and error till we settle for “the one”.

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