Group – Random Thoughts Of A Nigerian Youth

For many years, I struggled to understand my persona. Sometimes, I am the life of the party -loud and easily strike a connection with others regardless of age, sex and/or social status whilst the other times, I am in my own shell – quiet, reserved and dull. Initially, I thought it was an ego problem – too much pride or lack of confidence. I have had people describe me as condescending, obnoxious, snub, proud, weak, naïve and/or unhappy so it is easy to see why that train of thought engulfed me.

I do enjoy conversing with people because I was made to understand, at a young age, that social interaction is the basis of human nature. However, I also like to detach myself from the picture once in a while and analyze what I see. This often makes me see what I do not want to see – things that people don’t say -via the look in their eyes, body language and/or their tone of voice.

I have accepted that this is the way I am…outgoing yet withdrawn hence it is safe to say that I am an extroverted introvert. People often say it is impossible for one to sit on the fence in matters; you are either here or there but I am comfortably seated on the fence here. And there are many people out there just like me. Unexpectedly, we are often misconstrued.

Not to worry, I am here to rid you of such confusion by giving you an insight into the life of an extroverted introvert.

1. If we like you, we really like you. There’s hardly an in-between because we are so picky with who we spend our energy and time on. This doesn’t mean that we are full of ourselves or condescending. Nah! we just don’t see the need of being with someone we don’t like.

2. For what it is worth, we have a lot of things to talk about but we are not sure if those things will interest you. We can spend time listening to you talk because we are keen to learn about you. And we know most people like the sound of their voices.

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3. Just because we like our own space doesn’t mean that we don’t get lonely. We like being out there, around people, even if they are strangers as far as we can still keep to ourselves because sometimes we just don’t want to talk. We prefer to live in our heads and observe every little detail.

4. We are not advocates of small talks but if small talk is your forte, we will gladly oblige. We prefer to understand what makes you, you – how you think, what you think about, what scares/motivates you, what your family is like etc. We like to know if you have eaten too.

5. We prefer to have a one-on-one, face-to-face conversation than in a group because this is more intimate and gives us the chance to listen to you talk. As a result, we find it easy to adapt to any situation and get along with people from all walks of life. However, maintaining those friendships or getting closer to people is another thing altogether.

6. Because we genuinely try to get to know people on another level, we are often misconstrued as flirty and provocative. Maybe we are.

7. Because we are self-aware – outgoing yet calculated -people tend to see us as leaders. We are not afraid to take the bold step, make hard decisions or stand up to talk in front of others. Funnily, we rarely see ourselves this way and prefer to take the back seat because we don’t think we are great like that.

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8. It is a constant struggle to control the introverted version of ourselves. We are fully aware when that spirit (of withdrawing into our own minds) is trying to overtake us, especially in groups and big crowds, but we can’t put up resistance against it.

9. We don’t have a particular group of friends. We pick them from different social groups and bring them all together. Sometimes, it is an awkward situation for them all. You poor things.

10. We want to be noticed and recognized for our efforts and at the same, prefer to stay anonymous. I know it sounds conflicting but that’s the way it is with us. Our fun/crazy side comes out more when we aren’t the center of attention.

So it is likely you have people like these around you. They are often versatile in every aspect of life so try and understand them. And if you think the crown fits, please wear it with pride.

Please if you enjoyed reading this blog, do comment and share with your friends.

Naturally, I am not attracted to groups so I try not to join any but life has presented me with different reasons, at different stages and on different occasions, to do so. Right from an early age, I had to join the Bible, quiz and football clubs to hone my academic and soccer abilities. This continued as I grew older and I proceeded to join a research team as a post-graduate student.

There are several reasons why one may benefit from group inclusion. Just like me, many join groups for purposes of social, spiritual, educational and political change. These groups afford us the chance to meet up and have different interactions with others.

However, there is something about groups I abhor. Groups tend to promote crowd mentality amongst their members. And this doesn’t align with my belief. I believe one has the right to think freely on his/her own. According to Mark Twain, “Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority. It is time to pause and reflect.”

Groups often infiltrate the minds of their members thereby making them see themselves in a positive way and others (opponents & people dissimilar to them) in a negative way. For example, back in secondary school, it was deemed wrong/degrading for members of certain groups to relate with members of other groups. As a consequence, social distance is created.

Social distance is based on the concepts of race, ethnicity, class and status. It reflects the degree to which people are willing to accept or reject social intercourse with others with different social characteristics.

Social distance succinctly explains why we disregard the opinions of those we feel are below us e.g our gatemen etc because their ideas and dreams seem bare and ordinary to us. So we only bother ourselves with opinions of those we feel are above us or on the same level with us.

In every organisation or institution, low-rank individuals often pay attention to the affairs of high-rank individuals. This explains why rich people pay little attention to those below them. Daniel Goleman in his article “Rich People Just Care Less” published in the New York Times, wrote “The more powerful pay less attention to us than we do to them, in other situations we are relatively higher on the totem pole of status — and we, too, tend to pay less attention to those a rung or two down.”

Think about this: when a rich/successful (wo)man says something, whether it sounds smart or stupid, people are awed. In contrast, many might turn a blind eye to a well-thought analysis offered by a poor wise man. No wonder King Solomon, who many believe to be the wisest man that ever lived, said in Ecclesiastes 9 vs 16, “Wisdom is better than strength, those who are wise will be despised if they are poor. What they say will not be appreciated for long.”

In this information age, your long-term success depends on winning the attention of others. According to Steve Rubel of Edelman, “Attention is the most important currency that anybody can give you. It’s worth more than money, possessions or things.” It’s not easy to gain people’s attention. It requires hard work, determination and time.

Nobody pays attention to someone who shares a common opinion (only famous people are an exception to this). We rather turn our attention to people who we deem threats, superior or have uncommon opinions.

Therefore, to leave your mark and make a difference, you have to focus your attention inward and be bold enough to challenge the status quo. Only then will people pay attention to you.