ego – Random Thoughts Of A Nigerian Youth

November 2, 2020February 28, 2021

PhD Chronicles: Part VII

I like reading books written by authors who aren’t linked to science and academia to get a different perspective on life. What intrigues me the most is how most biographies of successful people out there are about the self-made man. If you don’t understand what this means, the self-made man is the archetype of successful men and women who had to start from the bottom, in poverty and hardship, to reach the acme of their chosen careers against all odds.

If you are a music connoisseur and American HipHop fan, you must have heard a lot of songs about the self-made man. Some include, Drake – Started from the bottom, Rick Ross – Self Made 1/2 albums, 50 Cent/The Game – How we do etc. So, it is easy to see that the American dream and the self-made man are intrinsically linked. This is because the self-made man originated in the United States. It was first described by Senator Henry Clay in 1842 who used the term to describe individuals who attained success on their own with little or no external help.

The self-made story is seductive because it offers many the hope and encouragement that anyone can become one, with hard work, consistency and persistence. However, in reality, the self-made man is a myth. I had previously written about it here. Hard work, consistency and persistence are all prerequisites for success but we all need people to move from point A to point B at different stages of our lives. And there’s no shame in admitting that nor asking for help.

In the context of a PhD degree, no one goes through the journey without external help. Although the PhD is a lonely journey in which you are “always” on your own, the effect of support from family, friends and colleagues is really underplayed. I’d use myself as an example here. My current supervisor played a major role in me securing the funding/grant for the PhD and till now, she has continued to support me in so many ways. My colleagues and technical staff have also come to my aid in the laboratory when I was stuck. Also, I had to collaborate with researchers from other universities and the industry to get to this point. Lastly, journals are often written by more than one author. So can I really say that I am self-made? Is anyone really self-made?

It’s our ego that makes us downplay or ignore the external efforts we get en route to our success. Our ego gets in the way at times and we can’t help it because power and influence are two things humans naturally yearn for. So, we momentarily embrace self-aggrandisement and instant gratification. However, it is important to plough the long-term path and acknowledge the effort others contributed to your success no matter how little or minute you may think it is. This way you empower others thereby building a stronger network that may propel you to even greater heights. After all, every master was once an apprentice. And every PhD Student is just an apprentice in research. Never outshine your master.

July 19, 2015September 13, 2015

Self-Respect, Yes; Self-Obsession, Nay

I had an epiphany recently; I have come to accept that everyone (whether male or female, young or old) in this world of ours is in sales business. We are all trying to sell something; whether it is oneself, a product or service.

Irrespective of your age or occupation, you have to sell yourself to move ahead in life. You have to overwhelm the opposite sex to win their love/affection, impress your teachers during assessments to pass, convince your potential employer that you are the next best thing after party Jollof rice during a job interview or market your product/service to attract customers.

Sales business is all about the buyers and sellers who are emotional beings. Buyers need to be convinced of you as a person, your product or service to be interested in what you have to offer. Hence, a seller requires emotional intelligence (empathy) as well as self-respect, self-awareness, self-motivation, ability to listen, integrity and honesty to successfully deliver his/her pitch and make a sale.

The Igbos often say “Otu isi kposa ka aga esi goru” which simply means what/how you sell is what/how people will buy. Buyers don’t care or want to know how great you are until they understand how great you think they are. Infact, there is a myth that boastful and loquacious sellers have little or nothing to offer. Hear Frank Underwood (a fictional character in the TV series House of Cards), “Pay more attention to the print it is far more important than the selling price.”

A seller that can control his/her words exudes confidence and self-respect. A strong sense of self-respect helps one fulfill his/her potential, develop healthy relationships with buyers and make them see you as a person worthy of respect. Absurdum est ut alios regat, qui seipsum regere nescit. Robert Greene once wrote, “A person that cannot control his words shows he cannot control himself, and is unworthy of respect.”

Nevertheless, there is a thin line between self-respect and self-obsession. In a desperate attempt to raise our self-respect, many cross this line and succumb to narcissism or self-obsession. While there is little or no doubt that people with low self-respect are often depressed, jealous and lack motivation, self-obsession can also be a conundrum. Richard Boyatiz, a Professor of Organizational Behavior, Psychology, and Cognitive Science at Case Western Reserve University, once said in a lecture, “To large extent, our strengths and weaknesses are like a yin yang. They are in the context of each other. Any strength taken to extreme can become a weakness.”

Self-obsessed individuals or narcissists are overconfident and have an unquenchable thirst to be perceived as the most important person in the room even if it means saying ill things or putting others down to feel good (a trait they share with individuals with low self-respect). It makes them feel significant hence they derive their sense of self from being good at something.

Self-obsession has more in common with low self-respect than we perceive; just with a different expression. Just like individuals with low self-respect, narcissists tend to get angry and aggressive towards those who make innocuous comments that irk their ego and make them feel bad about themselves.

Furthermore, they are often killjoys, flaunt and strut their accomplishments, compare a lot and hang out with people they feel are on their level. Human beings rarely accept their own feedbacks and narcissists are no different. However, facts are stubborn things and paying close attention to your own feedback (the most important information in this our sales world) will help you become a healthier, smarter and happier sales professional.

Having a healthy respect for others is crucial and cannot be overemphasised. Strive Masiyiwa, one of Africa’s richest business men and most generous humanitarians, wrote on his Facebook page, “Being business minded requires you to approach things with humility and respect.” These two leadership traits will help you interact with your buyer(s) in a way that makes them feel valued and appreciated. Consequently, building longlasting partnership/relationship with your buyer(s). Always remember, a seller is nothing without his/her buyer(s) and individuals don’t need to be important to be a potential buyer. Hear Bishop T.D. Jakes, “Take your time to enjoy your relationships. Nature teaches us, there’s no fruit without relationships..you need people. Surround yourself with good ones.”

The need for self-respect in sales (life) have led many to turn a blind eye to their shortcomings and flaws thereby developing a quasi-understanding of themselves. If you are in pursuit of self-respect, then you must have to accept yourself (including your limitations) and work everyday on becoming better. Investing in yourself is the best investment you can/will ever make. A good sales professional invests in his/her education, development and personal motivation; these are prerequisite tools.

Are you a good salesman?

July 28, 2012June 14, 2015

Women Lie, Men Lie

The topic of trust is an important factor in all matters of the heart. Men lie to women: women lie to men and most people think lying is necessary to avoid petty arguments and grease the wheels of a relationship.

The main victims of our deception are those close to us, with both men and women most likely to lie to each other. We may think we are sparing them from the truth but most of the lies are actually about self defence or trying to change the way people think about us.

It is a basic condition of human nature that everybody lies. The only variation is what we gain in strength, courage and confidence about each experience.

Raise your hand if you have ever said something along the line of “Nothing is wrong, I’m fine” and not meant a word of it. Do we all have our hands raised? I thought as much.

Research has shown that men lie 650times a year and women, 537 times. The truth is that we all lie about the same frequency but for different reasons.

Men lie to make themselves look better in the eyes of others while women tend to spare feelings and make other people look better. Some men lie to make themselves seem more impressive when approaching women. They see the dating game as a competition and think they have to out-do their rivals. So they self-aggrandize.

Some men go on and lie about wanting a long intimate relationship. They assume women want this, and only by hinting at a relationship, their desire for love, sex and companionship is achieved. They tend to find themselves trapped in a relationship they didn’t want pretending to be someone they are not. So they lie to get space from the partner or they lie and cheat on their partner; and finally, they lie to escape.

Women on the other hand are likely to be more economical when they meet a new man, they lie to under report the number of sexual partners they have had, lie about their age to appear younger or older and also lie to their friends about how rosy their relationship is.

Parents aren’t left out in this game of deceit. They lie to their children especially when it comes to the topic of education. I’m yet to see a parent who wasn’t the best student in his/her class, they all claim to be Albert Einstein in their days. If everybody dey come first, who come dey take from second to the last positions for the kind class?

In the end, I believe we all lie but the lies are told because of ego; to save face when we feel interrogated by friends and family.

July 28, 2012June 14, 2015

The Mind of A Teenage Dirtbag

My secondary school years have to the best years of my life on earth. Those years were memorable; the experiences I had, the educational and social activities I engaged in, helped in shaping and transforming me into the man I am today.

I enjoyed the best of both worlds: my grades were good and I had a pretty good relationship with a lot of people.

Recently, I ran into an old friend who said something that inspired this write up, he said he can’t wait to see the people who saw him as a loser/nobody, to see what he’s become today.

Have you noticed that some people still have no love lost for the people who offended them back in secondary school?

I will never understand what they passed through back then that made them loathe these people for whatever reason. I tried persuading him to let go of those childhood memories but all I said fell on deaf ears. I believe those things happened a long time ago before we became adults, some have forgotten they bullied, looked down and made fun of you.

A friend told me its easy for me to say because I wasn’t a prey back in the day. The truth is that I was little and people mocked me because of my height but it still didn’t make me think less of myself.

The victims have a hidden agenda against these predators/truants and are bent on teaching them a lesson or two later in life. These memories they are holding onto, are the main reason why they are proud, arrogant, egocentric, braggarts, have low self esteem and ready to do anything to be noticed.

I implore people to let bygones be bygones and get on with their lives. We all did and said a lot of things out of youthful exuberance that shouldn’t be used to judge us today.