The Friendship/Gossip Triangle by Chukwukadibia Ude

The friendship/gossip triangle represents a geometric series of conversations between three persons who know each other.

This piece explains how these conversations engage many others who revolve inside the triangle thereby instituting positive or negative attributes depending on the nature of these conversations.

A triangle has only three points representing three persons as explained in this piece. (Any shape can be used for this analysis but what matters is the understanding derived from it)

The lines that bind the three points are assumed in this piece to be bound with two things: THE TONGUE AND THE EAR.

Simply put the tongues and the ears of those at the three points of the triangle.

(For emphasis, THE HANDS could represent the lines when you consider the social media or instant message applications that we operate nowadays. In any case, the hands only type what would have been said if it were possible to talk).

THIS ARTICLE WAS BORN WITH A REFLECTION ON THE USE OF THE TONGUE

(The ear is only considered because the next person who speaks, speaks only what is heard or speaks a different interpretation of what is heard)

HOW THE THINGS WE SAY PUT US IN SITUATIONS WE MAY NOT BE ABLE TO HANDLE

Why do we give deaf ears to the Philosopher Socrates’ advice? He said: “if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?” As easy as it sounds, almost everyone disobeys this principle.

Why do we always involve people where they have no responsibilities at all? Joyce Meyer even clarified this stating pro actively that “anywhere you do not have responsibility, do not bother to have an opinion”. With this, even when the speaker has made the mistake to speak what you see as irrelevant to you, you could help stop the flow if you pay attention to Joyce’s advice. The baseline is that when one starts a conversation, the receiver/listener could help shorten it if what is to be said is neither true, good nor useful or as well following Meyer’s statement. This will teach the speaker a lot about what is actually necessary to be said.

Here comes the analysis:

Three persons A, B and C are friends who know each other and represent the points in a triangle while their tongues and ears join these triangle points and as well bring about many companions who are not in any case necessary to the personal friendship of A or B or C or even their group relationships.

Questions to ponder:

Why would any of A, B or C tell their problems with anyone of the other two to the third?

Why won’t the two resolve their problems?

Why explain your personal affairs to the other two? Are they God?

Why mention what someone did to you and even his/her name to the other two? Do they have any responsibility in your problem with him/her? Why can’t he/she approach who offended him/her?

Why would the other two also spread the issue to many others?

Why can’t A tell B what he/she doesn’t like about him/her? Why rushing to complain to C? Why rushing to communicate your issues with another person to someone who isn’t involved? Have you thought of the dangers of involving him/her?

Why would A, B or C act as a friend but actually works as a spy? Are you in party politics or are you practising in the field of detectives?

Why would A destroy the friendship of B and C (or B that of A and C as well as C that of A and B)? Why involving D to Z in your friendship with A, B, C, A & B, B & C, A & C and even affecting the friendship of A, B and C with D to Z?

Even if what A says is true about B or C or B and C to D to Z, how good or useful is it to them?

If you understand this well, you will observe that only the tongue has engaged so many companions.

Oh, the power of the tongue. This power is seen to hold life and death as recorded in Proverbs 18:21 and the advice thereof is that he/she who loves it will eat its fruit.

The ear of the receiver has also helped to transfer the information by hearing and the tongue of the receiver then keeps making it a geometric build up until the triangle makes one’s life almost ruined.

D to Z in the analysis represents many people we involve in what does not really concern them. We multiply our companions by the things we speak out. Remember, Proverbs 18:24 warns that a man of many companions may come to ruin but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Find that friend and still follow Socrates and Meyer’s advices on such a friend.

Not taming the tongue can be likened to a bad attitude and a bad attitude is seen by some great men as a flat tire which means you cannot go anywhere without changing it.

Most times, the way we see life could make taming the tongue almost impossible. We may want others to be like us. We live by the law and expect everyone to do to us the same we do for them forgetting that everyone sees life differently. Using our ‘do me, I do you’ perspective, we hardly trust, we complain a lot, we give up on people easily, we involve many things and many people even when the situation has not got the extent we think about. The way we think about life has been a contribution to our use of the tongue.  When we see life as a law, there is a low understanding of love and where there is no love, there is dishonesty and all these lead to the way we apply our tongues to irrelevancies. Even the holy book confirms that love is the fulfillment of the law and not the other way round. When we love, we could help shape our lives. Do not forget that mercy triumphs over judgment as noted in James 2:13.

Comparison is another big threat to friendship. The more we compare, the more we take sides. The more we take sides, the more we hardly know the truth. The more we know less of the truth, the more biased we become. The more biased we become, the more we never see something good in people. This in turn blocks the knowledge of the truth. The funniest thing is that we know the truth just that our negativity buries it. The final point is that it leads to hatred and envy.  With this, all we do is TALK, TALK, and TALK. Guess who we talk to: people that have no business in the subject matter. The tongue sells the product of our comparison to markets where there are no customers at all to buy it rather than mere advertisements. No one buys the dummies, they are just samples. Please, let us reduce the extent we sample many people. Why have more dummies in your shop than real products?

If you feel disturbed about someone, please call the person and have a face time conversation. Life is a test; we only pass it when we stick to approaches that promote value. Without the right values, nothing is sustainable.

Someone advised that a right word at the right time to the right person at the right time can’t be a coincidence but orchestrated by God. We all make mistakes but we are also aware of the new mercy of God we have every day so let us always filter our words before speaking.

The way we see life, how we think about others, how we react to what others do to us, the way manner in which we rush to explain things to people who act as if they care, etc. should be our next line of action when it comes to change.

I remember the update someone used on social media; it says “Your thoughts, Your life, Your choice”.

If you have said what is not meant to be said, this is the time to have a re-think. You could be causing a lot of injuries. When you speak what is neither true nor good nor useful, you cause a lot of harm. Like Benjamin Franklin highlighted, the tongue offends and the ear takes the cuffing. He also advised that it is better to take many injuries than to give one. He, whom you have given so many injuries, will be pitied but you who cause the injury will be hated. Be wise. Do not speak off the cuff, otherwise you will feel so injured within yourself as well. For those who listen, when it is your turn to speak, don’t speak off the cuff as well.

If you have been wronged by what someone said about you, do not worry. Rumours do not define you. Even if what is said is true, count it as a something that requires you to grow. Remember, it is only at the tree loaded with fruits that people throw stones. You are so fruitful, that’s why most people are interested in you. Keep shinning. The problem is not the problem but your attitude about the problem.

In all you do, discipline the tongue so well. No plan will survive first contact with the enemy as stressed by Van Molke. Often times, we reveal our plans to people with our tongues.

One thing could help make the tongue always so clean. It is not tooth brush and paste. It is the ability to keep the mind clear and bright. Someone stated that the mind is the window through which we see the world. Most times, the tongue says what the mind feels or the interpretation given to what is seen or heard which revolves around the masterpiece called the human mind.

Despite Uncle Remus quote stated thus, “you cannot run away from trouble, there ain’t no place that far”, I believe that we could still reduce our troubles by minding what we say and listen to.

If you desire the inner zone of the triangle to be filled with peace and true friendship, mind what you say or listen to or discuss. If you desire the inner zone to be filled with gossips, worry and injuries, then keep talking the way you want. Its either you create a friendship triangle or a gossip triangle.

Do not gossip. Do not allow gossips or it gets into you. It destroys the mind. The pain of the mind is more than the pain of the body.

Within us, we have so many troubles. Do not go criticizing others. D.L. Moody even emphasized “right now I am having so much trouble with myself that I do not have time to criticize my friends”.

Settle your issues with who is concerned. Do not make it a debate for others. The others you tell have no business. Such debates make no good history.

Make your friendship triangle peaceful. Find friends who try as much as they can to make theirs peaceful. Embrace them.

Be watchful as it is the only way. If you are just careful, you could still make a lot of mistakes. Being careful is not enough. If you don’t want it to be heard, tell no one at all. Use your discretion to filter words that you want to release; words could uplift or destroy you.

Whatever mistakes you have made, see them as lessons learnt and forge ahead. Malcolm Forbes defined failure as success if we learn from it. The worst is repeating the mistakes; the triangle will grow as a gossip triangle to a gossip decagon and become unbearable. It is always better to have a peaceful network in a friendship triangle even if the triangle is so small. Mind your thoughts, mind your tongue and mind your ears. When you do not know what to reply over what you heard, do not start explaining; just smile. A wise man made a wonderful comment that no matter the language you speak, a smile will never need a translator.

The tongue weighs practically nothing but only a few can hold it. I need to learn, you need to learn, we need to learn.
We can make our relationships sustainable. Let us be truthful. Let us be lovely and lovable. Let us be faithful. Let us forgive. Let us encourage greater values. Let us know. Let us learn. Let us grow. Let us live. Let us be alive. Let us be peaceful.

Watch your tongue, hold it, keep it clean, and discipline it.

Filter what your say and what you hear.

Clean your ears, not with cotton buds, but with listening filter.

Keep your minds clean and bright.

In relationships with people, engage your mind only on what is true, good and useful about people.

Manage your stakeholders; engage who is responsible or accountable, consult who is experienced, objective and unbiased when necessary and inform only who is to be informed when necessary.

Encourage value and you see your relationships become highly sustainable.

AN APPROACH TO LIFE; LET US WATCH IT!!!

“The More” by Chukwukadibia Ude

The more proud you are, the more the bondage of unacceptance

The more stingy you are, the more the bondage of poverty

The more unforgiving you are, the more the bondage of unrest

The more you celebrate your success in front of someone who’s down, the more you keep the person in mental suffering

The more you accuse people, the more the bondage of distrust

The more jealous you are, the more the bondage of planning against people

The more you make jealousy a lifestyle, the more the bondage of falling below those you are jealous of

The more you depend on people, the more the bondage of disappointment/heartbreak

The more cunning you are, the more the bondage of feeling cheated

The more you are quick to get angry (the more irritable you are), the more the bondage of people withdrawing from you

The less considerate you are, the more the bondage of losing people

The more arrogant you are, the more the bondage of loneliness

The more materialistic you are, the more the bondage of vanity/foolishness

The less focus you have, the more the bondage of being misled

The more you complain about people, the more the bondage of depression

The more you live your life for what people will say, the more the bondage of failure

The more you rely on your abilities alone, the more the bondage of stagnation

The more you fail to act, the more the bondage of procrastination

The more you fail to listen, the more the bondage of mistakes

The more you gossip, the more the bondage of darkness.
(You block your own sight while those you gossip about excel)

The more lustful you are, the more the bondage of guilt

The less cheerful you are, the more the bondage of loneliness

The less humorous you are, the more the bondage of rigidity

The less free you are at discussions, the more the bondage of being used

The more you are too open, the more the bondage of disrespect

The less you comport yourself, the more the bondage of low self confidence

The more you appear too simple, the more the bondage of misconception

The more you over praise people, the more the bondage of being seen as an ordinary

The more you say what you are not sure of, the more the bondage of “had I known”

The more you condemn people, the more the bondage of judging people

The more you live a life of competition, the more the bondage of devaluing your best friends

The more you live a life of comparison, the more the bondage of inferiority complex

The more you feel too important or too good at something, the more the bondage of superiority complex

The more tribalistic you are, the more the bondage of favouritism

The more you act as a perfectionist, the more the bondage of seeing others as low standard

The less courage you have, the more the bondage of fear

The more you dirty you are, the more the bondage of disregard

The more rich/successful you appear, the more the bondage of having fake friends

The poorer you appear, the more the bondage of negligence

The more foolish you appear, the more the bondage of being used

The more weakness you reveal, the more the bondage of being influenced

The more you appear too playful, the more the bondage of taking you for granted

The more you eat a lot, the more the bondage of dissatisfaction

The more appear fake, the more the bondage of borrowing/spending unnecessarily

The more you follow those with low mentality, the more the bondage of unnecessary/blind argument

The more you claim you are too brilliant, the more the bondage of being beaten

The more you make noise on a particular course without leading it, the more the bondage of feeling stupid

The more you show off with wealth or position, the more the bondage of irrelevant acquisitions

The more you value too much wine, the more the bondage of spending too much

The more you seek too many women, the more the bondage of worry

The more you seek affair with many men, the more the bondage of worry

The more you live a dirty secret life, the more the bondage of guilt/condemnation

The more you sin, the more the bondage of not praying

The less mercy you show on people, the more the bondage of being judged

The more you betray your friends, the more the bondage of losing them

The less self control you have, the more the bondage of indecision

The more selfish you are, the more the bondage of secrecy and stinginess

The less watchful you are, the more the bondage of regret

The less careful you are, the more the bondage of disappointment

The more you worry, the more the bondage of frustration

The less silent you appear, the more the bondage of trouble

The less love you show, the more the bondage of unhappiness

The more you seek success to beat someone, the more the bondage of daydreams

The more you talk about your dreams, the more the bondage of nightmares

The more you are seen, the more the bondage of being devalued

The more you are afraid of people, the more the bondage of feeling insecure

The more you face trials, the more the bondage of rejection

The more you avoid team work, the more the bondage of remaining the same

The more you refuse to share information, the more the bondage of mediocrity

The more you live above your means, the more the bondage of declining

The less approachable you are, the more the bondage of pride

The less love you are shown, the more the bondage of jealousy

The less you read/know, the more the bondage of concluding wrongly

The wider you read/know however, the more the bondage of criticism

The more you use filthy language, the more the bondage of silly thoughts

The more you act as a false witness, the more the bondage of shame

The more you show too much softness, the more the bondage of being taken for granted

The more you appear too hard, the more the bondage of being feared

The more you complain about problems, the more the bondage of more problems

The more you sleep with someone’s wife or husband, the more the bondage of feeling dead while living

The more you push your ways, the more the bondage of regret

The more you stay idle, the more the bondage of sin/evil

The more you analyse what you do not need, the more the bondage of folly

The more you follow people for what they have, the more the bondage of cheapness

The more you accept bribe, the more the bondage of being perceived as a poor man by the one who bribed

The more you fail to think wide as if there were no box at all, the more the bondage of feeling like an educated illiterate

The more you force yourself to do what you know you do not know how to do, the more the bondage of disgrace

The more you lie, the more the bondage of distrust as well as no peace of mind

The more you chase a man, the more the bondage of hatred for men

The more you sleep with prostitutes, the more the bondage of disregard for women

The more you watch porn, the more the bondage of self induced sex or feeling weak always

The less decent you appear, the more the bondage of attracting wrong people

The more you wear skimpy clothing, the more the bondage of being in the centre of the motives of players

The more you claim too good, the more the bondage of being a target

The more you refuse to change, the more the bondage of same results

The more you drink/eat too much, the more the bondage of having taste difficulties

The more you act as a hypocrite, the more the bondage of being deceitful

The more you block ways for your friends through gossip, the more the bondage
of losing those you advice against your friends

The more you follow the crowd, the more the bondage of “no thought” process

The more you are gender biased, the more the bondage of being right all the time or never being wrong

The more biased you are over issues of life, the more the bondage of confinement with people so unreasonable

The more confined you are, the more the bondage of low esteem

The more you go out too much, the more the bondage of life imbalance

The more you boast of where you are from, the more the bondage of complex

The more you disregard lower workers, the more the bondage of lack of information

The more you fail to teach, the more the bondage of not learning

The more you give conditions for helping people, the more the bondage of low commendation

The more you treat your house girl as
a poor and wretched fellow, the more the bondage of sympathetic betrayal from your good husband

The more you deny people their rights, the more the bondage of being denied in your old age

The more you sleep around for money, grades, possessions, materials, etc, the more the bondage of “no self worth”

The more you kill, the more the bondage of being a beast

The more you give out what you can do, the more the bondage of incompetence

The more you boast about your ambition for money, the more the bondage of trying to impress others

The more you seek only beautiful women, the more the bondage of indecision in selecting a spouse

The more you lie to your spouse, the more the bondage of reduced care

The more your lover hears something about you outside without you telling him/her first, the more the bondage of
disregard

The more you fall for the wrong person, the more the bondage of “on and off” and directionless love

The more the one you love falls for another person, the more the bondage of rejection

The more you neglect the person who loves you naturally, the more the bondage of self pity

The more you listen to gossip, the more the bondage of falsehood

The more you act as a boss but less as a leader, the more the bondage of enmity

The more you fail to smile, the more the bondage of wrong perception

The more you are too objective in your opinions, the more the bondage of misunderstanding from people

The more you show too much concern, the more the bondage of feeling down (because those you show the concern may see it as if you are judging them)

The more you speak too much of the truth, the more the bondage of “having only a few people” around you

The more you get closer to many ladies in the same environment, the more the bondage of worry

The more you criticise people, the more the bondage of pressure to deliver when your own turn comes

The more you give too much support for someone, the more the bondage of bias

The more you laugh at people, the more the bondage of “how can I beg this man to forgive me?”

The more you condemn what you see old people do when you are a teenager, the more you face the bondage of same temptation at your old age

The more you say a church is better than the other, the more the bondage of condemnation in your christian life

The more you gossip about men of God, the more the bondage of falling into traps

The more you keep silent over the wrong opinion of a christian who leads your group, the more the bondage of gossip within the group (Talk to the leader himself)

The more you look down on people, the more the bondage of surprises

The more you expect much from those you feel are the best, the more the bondage of shrugging your shoulders

The less time you give to children, the more the bondage of “not understanding humility”

The less patient you are, the more the bondage of giving up

The less faith you have, the more the bondage of doubt

The more unfaithful you are, the more the bondage of lies

The less your relationship with God, the more the bondage of confusion/wandering

The more indecisive you are, the more the bondage of delay

The less persevering you are in times of trials, the more the bondage of folly

The more over ambitious you are, the more the bondage of losing your loved ones

The less persistent you are, the more the bondage of self disbelief

The more lazy you are, the more the bondage of blindness to opportunities

The more you give up on what you would have done well because you did not look deep, the more the bondage of stupidity

The less questions you ask, the more the bondage of getting it all wrong almost all the time

The less you prepare, the more the bondage of losing

The more you pride yourself on your fighting strength, the more the bondage of defeat

The less you fail to read the word of God, the more the bondage of dying and being inactive

The more you fail to study and practice God’s word, the more the bondage of sin

The more you pay attention to material things more than people, the more the bondage of depression

The more you pride yourself due to your profession, the more the bondage of being the same in reasoning till death

The more you argue with an expert over what you do not know, the more the bondage of feeling ashamed later

The more you over praise your family even when no one asks you, the more the bondage of feeling mocked

The more you defend what people know is true about you, the more the bondage of folly

The less you travel, the more the bondage of a wrong perception of achieving more than others

The less you interact with people from low class, the more the bondage of leading your children astray

The more you tell your children more wrongs about people than rights, the more they face the bondage of causing problems

The more you preach and fail to do, the more the bondage of misleading people

The more you take advantage of people, the more the bondage of disrespect/disgrace

The more you fail to celebrate with others, the more the bondage of rejection

The more you reduce your closeness with loved people because your level has changed, the more the bondage of being devalued

Approach to Life by Chukwukadibia Ude

An approach to life…watch it!!!

Many people are not alive although they are living, the reason being that they do not know.

People define care as being called by someone all day or spending much time together…so true but what really matters in such time spent is the value the person adds to you and the truth that he/she reveals to you.

People define giving in terms of money alone; most times in terms of items/gifts that they receive…words of encouragement, meaningful conversation, smiles, shared experiences and the like; are they not forms of giving? Gifts are really cool but imagine what is gained from a conversation which helps people know much about each other and as such help create chances for value addition. Shift a bit from the principle of communication and move to conversation as communication can be a one-way traffic in some cases. Radio stations and televisions are good examples unless you want to represent the media to the next person. Discuss with people; make out time for the person beside you.

People define love as the affection/feeling between two people or a group of people, at times as the care explained above…Is there peace within? Do you really know the motive of the next person? Is it just love attributed to beauty, intelligence, affluence, charisma etc. that the next person has?
Love with reasons selects…It fades away…surely with time!

People wish for a great society yet there is no willingness to learn and share.

These days, one has to look up to the heavens in disbelief because of attitudes emanating from people.
There is a lack of balance between what people wish for themselves and what they offer to others…

Could life be made simpler?
Could it be made sweeter?
Could it be made much more awesome?

It starts with repositioning of our minds, finding a solution to the word ‘selfishness’; not just knowing it’s antonym in the dictionary but defining it to people. The life we wish for must not ignore truth, selfless relationships, love and peace as well as the willingness to learn and share.

A quest for a meaningful living demands us to help someone to know so as to remain alive.

I need it, you need it, we all need it!!!

Our approaches to life…………..lets watch it!!!