Nobody Is Out of Your League

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I went for a wedding with some friends  a fortnight ago where I met a pretty nubile damsel. We got talking; I must admit the conversation wasn’t as smooth as I had hoped but I was lucky to cart away with her phone number and social media usernames at the end of the day.

On our way back home, I was filled with all joy and excitement that overwhelm one when he/she meets a new person. However, my friends were so pessimistic about my chances with the said girl. They all told me, “Guy, forget this girl. You stand no chance, she’s way out of your league.”

I was bemused at their level of pessimism; I mean these guys were alobams. So to feed my curiosity, I asked them a myriad of questions like why do you think she’s out of my league? Is it because you think she’s too “hot” for me? Richer/cooler than me? Too smart or sophisticated? Their answers weren’t convincing so I shouted in my drunkeness, “she’s not out of my league. In fact no girl is out of one’s league so I’m gonna give it a try.”

You see, just like my friends, many people believe leagues exist when it comes to the opposite sex. They seem to think that once a guy/lady is ridiculously attractive, smarter, more ambitious, richer or funnier than them, they are out of their league. Many guys are scared and intimidated to approach such ladies because they feel they don’t stand a chance with them. They find themselves constantly analysing the potential compatibility between themselves and these kind of ladies, oftentimes how can such a person be interested in me? serves as a valid excuse not to push further.

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Contrary to popular belief, leagues are standards set by an individual to protect himself/herself from possible rejection. Standards are subjective; they are based on personal contructs and not completely social constructs. For example, most of us are guilty of asking questions like “how did they end up together?” when we see a person we hold in high esteem with an average or below-average looking partner because we have set certain standards for them.

Back in 2009/2010, some of my female friends were livid when they heard Nigerian A-list actress Genevieve Nnaji was dating singer/entertainer D’banj. Then, Genevieve was bigger than D’banj in terms of celebrity status and international recognition. I wonder what they’d say if Genevieve and D’banj started seeing each other now.

The fact remains that every guy has 50:50 chance of getting a lady’s number or dating a lady but this chance can drop to zero real quick unless one goes for it. All one needs is to gather some liver to approach the lady and say your mind. I mean what’s the worst thing that could happen? She decides to give you a fake number? Lies about an imaginary boyfriend? Ignores your calls? Or politely/coldly turns you down?

Rejections are a norm in life. God has given a man the right to ask the lady out and the lady the right to accept or decline his advances. Everyone has suffered (and will still suffer) rejection in one way or the other. Even the “out of your league” girls we often worry about have their own insecurities. So don’t let rejection thoughts eat you alive when you haven’t even told her how you feel about her yet. She might be interested and patiently waiting for you to make a move or maybe you could go for her and discover she isn’t all that after all. Either way, it is better to try and find out than wondering what if.

We are so hung up on how we see others and the halo effect. Leagues are something we create in our heads. They are an illusion. Nobody is out of your league. Before you limit yourself and say you’ve no chance of being admitted into that guy’s/lady’s life, try and apply first. You can’t gain admission without applying.

Over-expectation, a recipe for disaster

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It is quite astonishing how sports are linked to our every day lives https://arturozinga.wordpress.com/2013/04/03/footballs-life-lessons-part-1/ https://arturozinga.wordpress.com/2013/04/07/footballs-life-lessons-part-2/ This past weekend, the best TV series, the English Premier League (EPL) returned to our TV screens for the 24th season. Prior to its premiere, there was a lot of fanfare worldwide. Every fan predicted how the season premiere would shape up.

Chelsea fans, brimming with confidence, were so keen for their team to kickstart the defence of their EPL crown whilst Arsenal fans, based on their team’s recent acquisition of World class goalkeeper Petr Cech and pre-season heroics, believe this season will finally be theirs. As a result, some predicted a 6-0 trashing for their teams against their first opponents Swansea City and West Ham United respectively. However, their expectations weren’t met and their teams were surprised by these less fancied teams.

Just like these football fans, how often do we over-expect and put so much emphasis on positivity? When do we come to know that we are expecting something impossible?

It is natural for one to have expectations; expectations play a huge role in our lives. We all have personal goals and visions; how our lives should be in 10-20 years from now, how our personal relationships should be, how our favourite sports team should play or how we should be rewarded for our efforts and thence expectations are synonymous with the word should.

In all honesty, when there’s love, there will be expectations. Whether it is love between a child and the parents, husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend or a fan and his/her favourite celebrity/sports club, there will always be expectations in any kind of love. In other words, we depend and expect so much from the others. Robert Greene wrote in his book, The 50th Law, “Dependency is a habit that is so easy to acquire…It is hard to resist. But once you give in, it is like a prison you enter that you cannot ever leave.”

Expectations have a huge effect on our emotions; they can make you happy as well as rob your happiness. We set the tone for disaster when we over-expect thereby creating toxic relationships and consequently, expectations kill love. Over-expectation is hard to define but it creates a perfect recipe for disaster.

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Everyone in the world is governed by self-interest. We expect people to follow our own rules and principles, and share our values, dreams and experiences. We tend to expect more from others in comparison to what we actually have to offer. There is a wide gap between our expectations and supply but many love to disregard this fact and focus on getting the best. For example, everyone has a list of features s/he expects his/her dream partner to possess but just a few actually work on themselves to be that perfect somebody we all desire.

Nonetheless, it is a fact that one cannot run away from expectations but it is important to set these expectations around reality. The reality of life is that none of us came into this world with a crystal ball so twists and turns are a natural part of life.

Realists are not scared to embrace the hard truths (twists and turns) of life; they weigh both positive and negative sides of everything life throws at them. The best option for one is to embrace reality and lower his/her expectations.

Thank you for making out time to read this article. If you have enjoyed it, please comment and share your views on this issue. Also, do like, share and follow the blog.

Divorce: A Trend In Nigeria Now?

“Everybody seems to be getting married and the unmarried ones seem to be getting more worried.” That’s a tweet from one of the numerous people I follow on the social media, Twitter.

My friend, Mikael gave me the shock of the year so far on my birthday. He told me he wants to settle down with his girlfriend after just three weeks of dating.

Mikael and Valerie met at a birthday party in February and they hit it off. Mikael is one of those guys girls describe as tall, dark, handsome and rich while Valerie is a nymphet with a sexy British accent to say the least.

When he broke the news to me, I was non-plussed and speechless for a while. As a matter of fact, it took me two minutes to recover from the shock.

“Are you serious” I asked him. He told me, the lady is a British citizen, sexy, educated and from a well-to-do family. What else does he need? Although he didn’t say the words, it was obvious he’s settling down with the babe because of her physical attributes and rich background.

I’m really worried for my dear friend because a wise man once told me “Do not marry while too young, for you have not experience enough to train your son; nor be too old, that you have not the patience. There is a mean in marriage, as in all things”

“No man is the same after marriage. Either his joys are doubled and his sorrows halved, or his joys are halved and his sorrows doubled.”

Honestly, the rate at which young people say “I do” is becoming worrisome not because marrying at a young age is a bad thing, NO but because the rate at which they marry is directly proportional to the rate at which they separate and just like the wise man said, there’s a mean in all facets of life.

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be for better, for worse till death parts the couple. Nowadays, people are in a hurry to walk down the aisle, same way they are in haste to separate when one squabble comes along.

In 1969, United States Governor, Ronald Reagan of California signed the nation’s first no-fault divorce bill to eliminate deceit associated with the legal regime of fault-based divorce. A decision he later described as one of the biggest mistakes of political career. The new law eliminated the need for couples to fabricate spousal wrongdoing in pursuit of a divorce;

Thirty years later, the myth of the good divorce has not stood up well in the face of sustained social scientific inquiry — especially when one considers the welfare of children exposed to their parents’ divorces.

The children are often the victims when parents separate/re-marry. They are forced to watch their parents fight themselves in court for their custody. Children from divorced are often if not always troubled. The role of a father and mother as a team in the life of a growing child can never be over-emphasized so they need to stick together even if they don’t get along anymore, just for the sake of the kids.

Due to civilisation and imitation of western culture, divorce is on the rise in our dear nation. Most young men seem to believe the only aim of marriage is for pro-creation while others succumb to the pressure from their girlfriends,via pregnancy or otherwise to put a ring on her finger and legalise their coitus.

Then, there are the desperate ones especially the females, who plunge into the pool of marriage with their make-up on, polluting the pool as a result.

Most people crumble under pressure,the pressure from some families has made a lot of people miserable because they ended up with people they weren’t supposed to end up with it.

There is also a group that believe in fantasy/fairytale of marrying early and growing up with their kids so they rush into what they aren’t ready for, all in a bid to have that “happily ever after” life.

We need to understand that marriage isn’t a “boyfriend/girlfriend” issue. Marriage is sacred, a union blessed by God, who detests the word, divorce. (Malachi 2:13-16; also read Matthew 19:9 & Ephesians 13:4)

There’s no rush when it comes to marriage, take your time to know your partner inside and out, know what he/she likes and dislikes, make sure you can cope and live the rest of your life with his flaws as well as he’s ready to live with yours.

Marriage needs maturity, understanding, wisdom, endurance and tolerance to cope with the hitches that come with it.

Always remember, marriage is not about what happens at the wedding but what happens after the wedding.